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I had a fabulous conversation about EMPATHY following a talk I delivered recently (about technology, emotional intelligence and reclaiming human connection skills at work). It got me doing some deep thinking and I figured it could be helpful to share here.
In the conversation, the question was ultimately: “Are we doing empathy WRONG”?
My short answer - as it often is: “It depends.”
In the amazing way of all good conversations, we came away with fresh insights and new considerations. When it comes to human connections, context, experiences– there are so many variables that to presume there is ONE definitive right way to be empathic seems unrealistic.
Empathy has come into mainstream media, business literature and popular culture as either a default, a desirable trait or in need of development. We know this capability is critical for humans, is based on both social and cognitive function, and that we use it in many areas of our life and work. Many of us have been exposed to findings from researchers like Brené Brown, who’s work addresses shame, resilience, empathy and vulnerability. Various studies on Emotional Intelligence (EI) have also brought empathy further into everyday awareness, linking it to daily well-being, professional success and leadership effectiveness.
With so much material and perspectives, there’s no end to the definitions or advice on empathy. Descriptions of what it looks like and what is “good” vs. “bad” empathy abound. A quick internet search offers several resources that differentiate “empathy” from other things (e.g. empathy vs sympathy or empathy vs compassion) as well as phrases that summarize the sentiment of empathy e.g.Speaking from your scars not your wounds, Me too vs. Poor You to name just a couple.
As a Coach, I am most familiar with the EQ-i 2.0 model of EI and tend to lean towards the following definition of Empathy:
…the ability to be aware of, understand and appreciate the feelings and thoughts of others, see the world from another person’s perspective, and to convey that in ways that ensure the other person feels seen, heard and understood.
Each definition or sentiment is useful and likely ALL correct. I can’t help but wonder if perhaps instead of focusing on ONE right way to “do” empathy – we might focus on what someone gets FROM empathy – and be open to practicing empathy in ways that provide it.
In my work, I talk about empathy as not only the ability to understand another person’s perspective, but also the ability to ensure the other person also feels seen, heard, understood and accepted. And to clarify – it doesn’t mean we agree or currently share that perspective or those emotions (which some consider to be sympathy). Acceptance means we can acknowledge their experience (feelings, beliefs) without shame or judgement.
Empathy is as much about the result as the activity itself. There’s also a difference between having empathy and showing empathy. Showing empathy is a process and exchange that is aware and responsive to the needs and feelings of the other person in the moment – not just our own. Sometimes, and because we really do understand how another person feels, the way we respond comes from a need to relate, to sooth, to fix, to move forward etc. because we’re very conscious of what it feels like. It compels us to offer advice, correction, one-ups or “inspiration.”
When we get focused on doing empathy “right”, or we want to make someone feel better, or feel like we know something, it’s possible our focus is more about us and less about them.
Consider a situation where a physician in a routine check up discusses stress with their patient and asks about exercise. The patient responds that they had followed a fitness program but due to an injury and lingering pain, it’s been a challenge to get back on track. The physician responds by saying “there’s lots of exercise you can do even with a disability, you can do lots right from a chair”. The desire to provide a solution or perhaps help patients beat challenges compels the physician to offer information that is accurate and might have been welcome at some point, but at that moment, can feel like shame or judgment about the patient’s frustration and dissatisfaction with their ability to exercise and doesn’t acknowledge the physical pain that was impacting them.
Here’s another, more specific question: “If we share a story about ourselves does it mean we turn the focus to us and so it’s not empathy?”
Maybe. Maybe not.
When considering how to show and practice empathy, and who’s needs are being met, I’ve come up with a few questions to challenge myself, ideally before, but certainly in reflection of a conversation to help my own learning:
What is my intention by sharing?
Does it minimize or devalue their experience, feelings or perspective?
Does it elevate me and/or diminish them?
Does it demonstrate a meaningful example so they don’t feel alone?
Will they believe I understand what’s happening for them more or less?
A key distinction is that sharing something about ourselves can be a way to demonstrate to the other person that we hear and understand what might be going on for them. It’s a way of not only noticing, but naming the feelings, perspective or experience together.
There’s been times in my life when hearing someone’s story has really helped me feel understood and less alone. It helped me feel more connected to the person and increased my sense of belonging. It opened a door to explore more of my feelings, because I knew they’d had them too. It strengthened the relationship.
Empathy helps us focus our attention, being open to another person’s needs, beliefs, experiences and meeting them where they’re at – being present, recognizing what a person is saying, what they are feeling, and letting them know we get it. We’re with them and along-side them. Sometimes this means confirming out loud what emotions we notice. Sometimes it’s mirroring their feelings, or it’s reflecting our own experiences back to demonstrate our understanding and confirm what they are experiencing. Sometimes it’s just being silent and letting them have whatever feelings or thoughts they want, in a safe, supportive presence.
One approach I’ve considered is to offer an invitation rather than unloading a full story. When we want to share our experience as a way of connecting, we can say “I have a sense of what you might be experiencing/feeling, I’ve had something like this too. I can imagine your feeling… is that right?” And leave it at that. It keeps the intention and focus on the other person and leaves the door open for them to ask more of our story if they want it, or to keep the focus on their own. They know the interest, support and understanding is there either way.
We don’t need ONE RIGHT WAY to show Empathy.
It’s a mindset and way of communicating focused on ensuring the other person feels heard, understood and accepted. Human beings are complex and have different needs in different situations. Learning to recognize what someone needs at a given time is an ongoing process that takes intention and practice.
I believe it’s hard to go wrong if you are truly trying to build connection and understanding with another human being. We live in a time of being more digitally connected yet more lonely and AFRAID of each other than ever. It’s time to stop shaming and start supporting each other in our sincere efforts to connect as humans, one conversation at a time.
We can be present. Be intentional. Be aware. We can keep striving for connection and caring, and worry less about doing things RIGHT or WRONG.
Sources:
Stein, S. J., & Book, H. E. (2011). The EQ Edge: emotional intelligence and your success, 3rd ed. Mississauga, Ontario: Jossey-Bass.