Photo by Arisa Chattasa on Unsplash
One topic that comes up often with leaders and teams is fear of conflict. Not knowing how to deal with team or individual conflict, and wanting to eliminate it. Long before the pandemic, technology was tampering with our human communication skills. Remote and hybrid work environments have us relying on technology even more at a time we need connection and support the most.
The goal for teams to stay positive, happy, and productive is important yet can sometimes lead to a desire to avoid or ignore conflict. We want it to just work out, or wish people would just get along, or see those who disagree or challenge as disruptive to the team.
It reminds me of the big debate my spouse and I had many years ago about our own little team and our weekly family dinner. As with many busy families, sitting down to a meal face-to-face together didn’t happen without intention, and sometimes only once a week. It became an important ritual and a time to catch up and connect.
It also meant sibling bickering, inappropriate humour, bad moods, heated discussion, and full-on debates. It didn’t always feel fun or positive, and at one point we questioned what was acceptable, or if it was “right.” Conflict felt disruptive, and against our goal of having happy time together, especially when that time was limited in those days.
We wrestled with a few questions: Is harmony more important than being real with each other? Can it be enforced? Does this reflect our values and goals as a family?
As parents, we encouraged candid conversation, independent thinking, and healthy emotional expression in our house. Did we want to prevent these things at our dinner table just because it was uncomfortable or didn’t match our image of the ideal family dinner?
We decided that our dinner table needed to be a place where our kids learned HOW to communicate well, about anything, rather than creating rules to prevent WHAT we talk about. Of course, skills like courtesy, table manners, and politeness were important too, but having a space where discussion on nearly anything was welcomed and showing up how you are meant we were all building communication tools that had some big benefits like:
Deeper dialogue – engaging in discussion on a broad range of topics helped us consider what other people think, and learn not everyone thinks the same. We asked open questions to get our kids sharing what’s on their mind – even on some of those heavy topics that make us squirm. We also brought our individual concerns about family expectations, activities, and goals to the table.
Conflict Skills – being willing to let people engage in open conflict together means they have support to help them do it respectfully and more skilfully. We used those moments to help our kids express themselves more clearly, encourage respectful listening, and tried to model this ourselves! We could talk about important boundaries, like it’s OK to be angry at someone, but to use words, not be physical, or harmful. (Or fling food across the table). As older teens, our kids now handle conflict with each other and with us directly and respectfully most of the time.
Connection and belonging – by letting go of some of our expectations around “performing” like a happy family at dinner, and letting people come to the table as they are, everyone could be real, and knew they were welcome, no matter what. They could talk, or they could listen quietly and still be appreciated as part of the group.
Our family dinners were sometimes frustrating, and we didn’t always handle things well. And make no mistake, our kids taught us as much as the other way around. But ultimately, the tone we set for these meals reinforced principles and values for our family.
Similarly, leaders have an important role to play in setting the tone for strong team connection and effective team communication which includes healthy conflict.
Leaders can do this by:
Creating space: designating time in team meetings, or specific time together as a place to be open, share, discuss, and debate, and be supported to do this safely and well. Using open ended questions to get people thinking and talking together, and learning how each person thinks.
Creating “ground rules” with the team: for discussion and disagreement, being clear on principles and values, and then agree together what that means in times of stress and conflict. What process can people use to disagree? What forum? What words are best to discuss individual needs and expectations?
Role modelling and coaching: demonstrate the behaviours you want to see by building your own skills, practicing good listening, engaging in difficult conversations, and supporting and empowering your team members to do the same directly with each other.
As leaders, the principles and practices we set around communication and conflict shape how people feel about work, and how they show up.
All teams and relationships will experience conflict from time to time. Leaders need to positively embrace this reality, demonstrate and support their team to acknowledge conflict, engage in hard discussions, seek understanding, and learn to appreciate, and incorporate different ways of thinking and doing, helping teams learn to work effectively together.